[ There's no use in thinking about the past. Wolves don't get their wishes granted. Yet, even in knowing that, he's replayed that night in his head more times than he'd readily admit. The fact that Thancred's even asking though—
He must've been thinking about it all this time too. Still, Bigby hesitates, uncertain what part of that night the other man is referring to. ]
you took care of me. don't beat yourself up over it just because i couldn't get the hang of it.
but maybe there was one thing. when you were holding me up. i don't know. i wouldn't change what happened that night.
it was a good time. i just think too much sometimes.
[Oh, Thancred thinks with a pang of sharp, sour regret as the message returns and his eyes skim over it like man in a desert who thinks he's just sighted his oasis. Oh, he thinks it was his fault, somehow. Not a cold shoulder at all, so much as just a man frozen in uncertainty.
It gnaws at him. Chafes beneath his skin. He knows that feeling too well to be comfortable with seeing it worn by anyone else.]
taking care of you was more important to me than anything i could have wanted for myself
that's why i didn't... it wasn't you it wasn't anything you did or didn't do
i didn't want your only choices to be me or a painful fall
[ No, he accidentally sent that too soon. He can't find the right words, if they even exist. Thancred manages to get at that part of his heart that's still tender and wanting even after years of hardening. Caring for others is easy; it's when they reciprocate that he finds himself with more emotions than he knows what to do with. ]
so that's why. most people aren't that kind. you know that right?
[ A statement, not a judgement. He knows what it means to be selfish, and he knows how hard it is to reign it back. Being worthy of that restraint only endears him to this man even more. ]
i don't know if those were really the only two choices. but if they were then i would've picked you every time and not just to keep myself off the ice.
you strike me as a man who's been on the wrong end of more than his share of unkindness. i'd never want to be yet another contributor to that.
[Like recognizes like, after all. Even if they're far from identical in their finer points, their coping mechanisms, there's more than enough common ground for him to clock it. They're similar the way he's always felt that he and Estinien are similar, next to the rest of the Scions. Some might call it pessimism; he and Bigby both would be likelier to call it survival. A realistic perspective of the world in which they reside.]
i think...
listen, biggs i heard what you said, what you meant, when you said you still trust me i believe you
so i'm going to choose truth for myself, now, for my turn and you ask me anything you want
i swear i'll tell it to you. no games. no nonsense. i'll make good on that faith you've put in me, i promise.
i just hope i don't want to do anything that'd make you think i deserve it here.
[ Being seen like this (and through words alone, no less) puts him right back in the vulnerable state he was in that night at the ice rink. Thancred only wanted to do right by him. Wanted to earn his worth despite being well past that already. The regrets, loneliness, the desire — it hurts to see it all reflected back at him.
Haven't they done enough? Can't they just have their happy middle just this once? ]
okay. i have my question. feels weird though. like we should be in person for all of this or something.
anyway.
do i make you feel less alone? even a little bit?
because i think i feel that way when i'm with you.
[No games. No pithy comebacks. No disguising his raw edges with a smooth and polished veneer of charm. The question lies in front of him on the screen, and he could almost laugh from how easy it is to answer, and how difficult of a time he's going to have doing it regardless.]
you do, and more than a little bit.
the truth is i've been separated from my friends before it seems as though any time we get scattered, i'm the first to be snatched away and the longest to go without them
but when i'm around you i remember what it felt like when i was with them how natural a camaraderie it was how i felt anchored rather than adrift
because in some small way, they needed me, and it felt...good, to be needed, even just a little. to do something, anything, to deserve them.
i can tell that you...that there's some part of you that needs someone like me i want you to have what you're missing and i want to know i'm something because i'm something to you
[ As honest as he said he'd be. Even if it's through text on a screen, somehow Bigby understands the exact tone Thancred is going for this time. He's pacing now in the confines of his own room, like a caged animal, anxious and uncertain as he tries to formulate his thoughts into words.
Of course the first thing that comes easily is an apology. ]
i'm sorry. i'm sorry that you have to be apart and not even for the first time.
it still hasn't sunk in for me. this whole thing i mean. and even once it does i don't think i'd really know how it feels losing your friends like that.
but i do know what it's like to be alone and to want
[ To be wanted. To be needed. ]
well you already get the picture.
but you are something. more than something. especially to me.
if i wasn't the way i am maybe i wouldn't have left you second guessing.
you must know that's not an idle comment i can easily leave alone "the way i am"
because i've a notion that the way you are isn't something you show to others that it's something you try to live your life in spite of and i refuse to use this damned game as a means of trying to work it out
but do you think if i...
[Deep breath. Here we go.]
if i could let myself need you that you could find it in you to show me more of the man i'm needing?
at this point i'm not even sure what the truth of it is anymore. just a bunch of blurred lines and trying to be something i'm not.
[ An ambiguous way of saying he might be right, but hell if Bigby knows who — or what — he really is anymore. He'd be interested to know at least, whatever Thancred does manage to parse out.
But the question that follows overshadows all of that completely. ]
i could. i could try but i don't
i don't know how i'd feel if it turns i'm not the man you need even if i try to be.
[ Once burned, twice shy. Apt for someone weak to fire. ]
i understand that, i think the apprehension of the thought of being measured and found wanting
if i knew how to be rid of it i'd surely tell you but it's something i'm yet to work out for myself
what i will say is this no one i've ever needed has had to try to be that way quite the contrary i — i don't know that they thought much of my position at all
so you leave that bit to me i'll take you as you are, whatever your measure, and we'll see what comes of it
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
—THANCRED
[ Oh. That's definitely not going easy. ]
what i wish?
[ There's no use in thinking about the past. Wolves don't get their wishes granted. Yet, even in knowing that, he's replayed that night in his head more times than he'd readily admit. The fact that Thancred's even asking though—
He must've been thinking about it all this time too. Still, Bigby hesitates, uncertain what part of that night the other man is referring to. ]
you took care of me. don't beat yourself up over it just because i couldn't get the hang of it.
but maybe there was one thing. when you were holding me up.
i don't know. i wouldn't change what happened that night.
it was a good time. i just think too much sometimes.
[ So many choices. So many what-ifs. ]
no subject
It gnaws at him. Chafes beneath his skin. He knows that feeling too well to be comfortable with seeing it worn by anyone else.]
taking care of you was more important to me than anything i could have wanted for myself
that's why i didn't...
it wasn't you
it wasn't anything you did or didn't do
i didn't want your only choices to be me or a painful fall
no subject
[ No, he accidentally sent that too soon. He can't find the right words, if they even exist. Thancred manages to get at that part of his heart that's still tender and wanting even after years of hardening. Caring for others is easy; it's when they reciprocate that he finds himself with more emotions than he knows what to do with. ]
so that's why.
most people aren't that kind. you know that right?
[ A statement, not a judgement. He knows what it means to be selfish, and he knows how hard it is to reign it back. Being worthy of that restraint only endears him to this man even more. ]
i don't know if those were really the only two choices.
but if they were then i would've picked you every time and not just to keep myself off the ice.
no subject
i'd never want to be yet another contributor to that.
[Like recognizes like, after all. Even if they're far from identical in their finer points, their coping mechanisms, there's more than enough common ground for him to clock it. They're similar the way he's always felt that he and Estinien are similar, next to the rest of the Scions. Some might call it pessimism; he and Bigby both would be likelier to call it survival. A realistic perspective of the world in which they reside.]
i think...
listen, biggs
i heard what you said, what you meant, when you said you still trust me
i believe you
so i'm going to choose truth for myself, now, for my turn
and you ask me anything you want
i swear i'll tell it to you. no games. no nonsense.
i'll make good on that faith you've put in me, i promise.
no subject
i just hope
i don't want to do anything that'd make you think i deserve it here.
[ Being seen like this (and through words alone, no less) puts him right back in the vulnerable state he was in that night at the ice rink. Thancred only wanted to do right by him. Wanted to earn his worth despite being well past that already. The regrets, loneliness, the desire — it hurts to see it all reflected back at him.
Haven't they done enough? Can't they just have their happy middle just this once? ]
okay. i have my question.
feels weird though. like we should be in person for all of this or something.
anyway.
do i make you feel less alone? even a little bit?
because i think i feel that way when i'm with you.
no subject
you do, and more than a little bit.
the truth is i've been separated from my friends before
it seems as though any time we get scattered, i'm the first to be snatched away
and the longest to go without them
but when i'm around you i remember what it felt like when i was with them
how natural a camaraderie it was
how i felt anchored rather than adrift
because in some small way, they needed me, and it felt...good, to be needed, even just a little.
to do something, anything, to deserve them.
i can tell that you...that there's some part of you that needs someone like me
i want you to have what you're missing
and i want to know i'm something because i'm something to you
no subject
Of course the first thing that comes easily is an apology. ]
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry that you have to be apart and not even for the first time.
it still hasn't sunk in for me. this whole thing i mean.
and even once it does i don't think i'd really know how it feels losing your friends like that.
but i do know what it's like to be alone and to want
[ To be wanted. To be needed. ]
well you already get the picture.
but you are something. more than something.
especially to me.
if i wasn't the way i am maybe i wouldn't have left you second guessing.
no subject
"the way i am"
because i've a notion that the way you are isn't something you show to others
that it's something you try to live your life in spite of
and i refuse to use this damned game as a means of trying to work it out
but do you think if i...
[Deep breath. Here we go.]
if i could let myself need you
that you could find it in you to show me more of the man i'm needing?
no subject
just a bunch of blurred lines and trying to be something i'm not.
[ An ambiguous way of saying he might be right, but hell if Bigby knows who — or what — he really is anymore. He'd be interested to know at least, whatever Thancred does manage to parse out.
But the question that follows overshadows all of that completely. ]
i could.
i could try but i don't
i don't know how i'd feel if it turns i'm not the man you need even if i try to be.
[ Once burned, twice shy. Apt for someone weak to fire. ]
no subject
the apprehension of the thought of being measured and found wanting
if i knew how to be rid of it i'd surely tell you
but it's something i'm yet to work out for myself
what i will say is this
no one i've ever needed has had to try to be that way
quite the contrary i — i don't know that they thought much of my position at all
so you leave that bit to me
i'll take you as you are, whatever your measure, and we'll see what comes of it
no subject
always feels like i'm the only one trying to figure it all out.
not that i'd wish it on anyone else. just nice not to be alone.
if it means anything i'll take you as you are too. even the parts i don't know yet.
and
whatever they thought i'm sure they were glad to have you in their corner.
you really are something else than.